Widowhood Is Not Funny

Monday, January 16, 2006

Writer/Widow Starts Blog

When it comes to writing, everyone says to write what you know; write from your own experiences. And for many years, I did just that, and tried to find the humorous side to everything in my life. Marriage, kids, everyday life, no problem.

I even found the humorous angle to one of my own passions--crochet. I wrote about being a Craft Junkie. I actually wrote several articles, exploring all the angles of Craft Junkie-ism.

I've written about the Internet, video games and couch potatoes, all from personal experience, mind you. Recently, I even wrote an article about car repairs and managed to find, yet again, the funny side, despite the expense.

Lately, however, it's difficult to find any humor in my present circumstances. Because, you see, I'm a widow and Widowhood is not funny, not even a little bit. I've looked carefully at every angle, searching for any clue to humor in the subject, but there's nothing there. I'ts simply not funny. What I have learned is that Life is funny; sometimes even hilarious, rib-tickling, sidesplitting, knee-slapping funny. But Death is not, no way, never going to happen, simple as that.

I don't mean to sound maudlin, it's just that a writer simply must write about everything they experience. I've journaled during this entire period of my life and even that personal writing has been very painful. I tell myself that I need to write about this experience, for myself as well as for others who've suffered a loss, or will in the near future. No one can avoid it forever. As yet, I have not found the courage to sit down and put it into words I can publish. It hurts too damn much. I keep thinking soon, I'll be able to do it. I have to do it. Then the sadness overpowers me and I push the work away, unable yet again to face the pain. It's hard enough to talk about it, let alone write it down for others to read.

It's brought with it a depression I'm finding it difficult to deal with. I have wondered if distance from the actual event, time-wise, will help. I'm in the second year, as I write this, but have found it no easier than during the first year. In the first year of widowhood, you're in pain, but also in shock, so it's like being anesthetized. The shock wears off in the second year, but the pain is still there, as well as the sadness.

There's a little voice inside me that cries, "Stop being such a wuss, and just write it all down, once and for all. Be brave and just do it!" Whether it's God speaking to me, or a really impatient Muse, I don't know. Perhaps it's simply tough love, and I should pay attention to the admonition.

Maybe soon, my need to talk about this thing called Widowhood will overcome the sadness.

If, after reading this article, you feel you would like to read more on the subject, or just want to tell your story, please contact me here and let me know. Perhaps your need to know more or simply share your story will give me courage.


  • At 6:58 AM, Blogger Misty said…

    As you have probabily already heard. Things don't get better - they just get different. It has been four long years for me. During the day and in public, I now can smile, laugh and have a great time with my friends, but at home - alone - I still have periods of time where I think "What am I doing here? Why was I the one to remain behind?
    How am I going to get through the remainder of my 'life" without him?
    Yet, I know that he would be very disappointed in me to hear me voice these thoughts (fears). The words that tripped off his tongue when we talked about his leaving were imprinted on my brain forever. "Honey, I know you will grieve for a little while, but then I want you to get on with your life. Find someone new to give all that love to and be happy." Of course, he didn't tell me how to accomplish this daunting task!!! So here I am, four years later, still crying on the inside and smiling for all the world to see on the outside. Although no one ever says it to me, I'm sure I am described as the widow who has it all together and has made it through!

  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger AlannaK said…

    Misty-I'm so sorry for your loss. But I understand completely what you're saying. The idea of living without my husband the rest of my life is too daunting some days. How am I supposed to do this without him? I have to start a whole new life, by myself. How do I do that? I wish I'd had a chance to speak to him before he was gone, but he was literally with me one moment and gone in a heartbeat. No last words, no I love you, no please move on and have a life. And yes, I put a brave face on too when I'm around friends and family, then I go home and cry in the shower. I'm so lonely without him it's hard to breathe some days.
    Anyway, just know you're not alone out there and my prayers are with you.

  • At 8:59 AM, Blogger blbnnt said…

    There are times I wonder 'have I lost my mind?'. There are times when the grief is just so terribly overwhelming, I feel I can't go on. At times, when someone looks at me, I wonder 'is my blouse buttoned, are my clothes clean'. I just can't imagine the reason someone is looking my way. It will be 8 years since my husband died in June. Yet, I wonder, did I do enough? I have retreated into myself, that I am quite sure my neighbors think I am in the witness protection plan. What I am trying to say is, that I am so frightned of the future, that I can barely deal with it. It takes all of my strength just to walk out the door. I'm lost, simply lost. Will I ever find love again? Because, quite frankly, I miss it. I miss doing the things, like watching old black and white movies, driving in the country, getting up early and going to old book shops. As in the words of that beautiful singer, Peggy Lee, "Is that all there is?"

  • At 8:16 AM, Blogger AlannaK said…

    I fear the future too, but in the financial sense. If I don't move forward with my business and get lots of clients, I won't be able to support myself and I'll have to live with my kids. I'm terrified of growing old and infirm and being shuffled from one to the other, then finally into a nursing home, because no one really wants to deal with me. Financial independence would at least give me the control over what happens to me. As far as love is concerned, I had the love of my life for 35 years, I'm not looking for another relationship. Maybe that will change with time, I don't know. It hasn't been quite two years since I lost my husband, so I can't think about that yet. I know I have to be the one to make the future better for myself, no one else will do it for me. But some days it hurts so much, I don't even want to get out of bed. This can't be all there is.

  • At 12:04 PM, Blogger mary said…

    I have a very good friend and neighbor that lost her husband 2 years ago. I try so hard to be there for her when she needs me. I do hope you add more entries so that I might find help through your words to help her.

    I lost my son over 8 years ago. He was 35 so I do know the deep gutted pain of losing a loved one. But losing your soul mate and being in the house so empty now, is making it hard for her to cope. She does fine till she looks into the future then she panic's. Wonders what life will hold for her.

    Please do come back and write more.

  • At 12:13 PM, Blogger mary said…

    Had a long comment and lost it trying to post it here. So I'll make this one short...please please do write more. I have a good friend that lost her husband 2 years ago. I help her in any way I can, but through reading what your going through I might be able to understand the differant phrases she'll go through.

    I won't write any more cause I'm probably gonna lose this post too!
    Here goes, hopefully I'll see it pop up under your comments:)

  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger mary said…

    Well in the words of Gomer Pyle shazammmmmmmmm....Or is that Golly! what ever his saying was it sure fits what happened with my posts...ha.ha
    Somehow the lost post wasn't lost and it's right here with the other one.

    Seeing what my neighbor is going through is quite an eye opener. I know that any second, hour, day my husband could be taken from me. I could be the next widow on this block. By reading your words and the words of the other ladies, I will learn so much. I haven't walked in your shoes, but my heart goes out to you all. Please please continue to post or write in this journal.

  • At 12:32 PM, Blogger AlannaK said…

    My heart goes out to you and to your neighbor. And yes, different losses hit you differently. I understand your friend's panic concerning her future. It's scary thinking about being on your own the rest of your life, when you've been married a long time especially. Keep in mind too, that everyone grieves in their own way and for as long as they need to. No one can say, "okay it's been a year(or two, or whatever)time to get over it. You don't get over it, but you do have to eventually move forward. It's move forward or perish. After awhile, we do have a tendency to keep our emotions to ourselves, thinking our friends and relations are tired of hearing about our pain. That just makes it harder to bear. My advice would be, if she needs to talk about her husband, just listen and if she needs to cry, be a shoulder for her to cry on. Then encourage her to find something she loves to do. She needs other things to think about besides the pain in her heart.
    You sound like a very nice neighbor to have around. Your friend is lucky to have you.

  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger poetjpb said…

    Thanks for commenting on AARP. This looks nice. I'll come back later and read more.

    JP Brown
    Visit me when you get a chance.

    My Writing Workshop Web Page under construction

  • At 6:05 PM, Blogger poetjpb said…

    Come visit me when you can. This looks nice. Thanks for commenting at AARP about writing to deal with loss.


    My Writing Workshop Web Page under construction


  • At 6:07 PM, Blogger poetjpb said…

    I have a new blog here somewhere,lol if I can find it.
    I think it's called,
    My Writing Workshop like my web page.

    I have written so much about loss, articles, journaling and many poems. It has helped me deal with it, but lfe is never again the same after loss.

    JP Brown

  • At 6:48 AM, Blogger sand said…

    My husband died 12 years ago. When he past away, my life turned upside down. I went back to the everyday things--work, pay bills, meet with friends--all while I waited for things to go back to normal. It never did, at least not yet. Instead this upside down life has become 'normal.' It's been a long time but I look back sometimes and wish I could back to my 'normal' life, even though I have friends, job, and outside activities.


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