Widowhood Is Not Funny

Saturday, March 04, 2006

I Miss "Us"

I notice other couples these days, older couples that have obviously been together for a long time. After decades together, a couples walks in sync, hold hands, laugh at the same jokes, and finish each other's sentences. They can practically read each other's minds. My husband and I were together for thirty-five years, and we experienced all that. Nowadays when I see those couples, I want to remind them to enjoy those moments, cherish them. It can be over in a heartbeat. I remember walking with my husband, holding hands, thinking how much I loved being anywhere with him. We didn't do anything special we just loved being together. I miss that. I miss "Us."

My husband had a side business, which I helped him with, and that was going to provide us the wherewithal to find our dreams, our hopes. There were places we wanted to go, things we wanted to see and activities we wanted to experience. When he passed away so suddenly, I lost it all...the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend, as well as all our hopes and dreams, all our places. Everything was just gone. I mourned it all and I still do.

Three months after his death, I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up. It provided me with the necessary distraction and busyness I so desperately needed. I spent months adding to my skills, reading, studying and preparing myself to start my own business, and make my own living. I was at least going to give meaning to my being alone. I wanted to make him proud of me.

Since all this happened, life seems surreal. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Nothing feels familiar, or comforting, and definitely not satisfying yet. I'm moving forward, slowly, but the person I most want to share all this with is no longer here. I miss him. I miss "Us."

When things or people used to upset me, he's the one I went to for comfort. "Tell me it's going to be all right, reassure me." I'd say. I miss that reassurance, I miss the hugs and kisses, the love.

I miss "Us."

4 Comments:

  • At 7:34 AM, Blogger Rory said…

    My father passed away suddenly last July and my mother is now facing her first wedding anniversary alone. 53 years wed.

    She is a strong lady with lots of active social connections, leads an excercise class for "the old folks" (she is 74), plays organ for funerals and weddings and 3 Masses a week.

    How should her children handle this first alone anniversary?

     
  • At 5:08 PM, Blogger AlannaK said…

    First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. But it sounds like your mother is very strong and keeping herself busy, which is very helpful in getting through this difficult time. Still, I know how hard it is to get through that first anniversary all alone. I would suggest that you all take her out and celebrate your father's life and long marriage to your mother. Let her talk about other anniversaries they celebrated together. My daughter treated us to dinner out on our last anniversary together and I remember that often; we had such a good time that evening. I know your mother feels lucky to have had so many wonderful years with your father. And it sounds like she's lucky to have such wonderful children too, who remember this very important day.

     
  • At 8:18 PM, Blogger cynthyy said…

    Alanna, I miss your posts, any new one you can add? I am having a difficult time and crave any insight from one as wise as you that has been there and has survived these excruciating first weeks.......thanks Alanna.

     
  • At 8:06 AM, Blogger Nita said…

    I like this "I wanted to make him proud of me." When I said I was going to do something David did, and I helped, a friend told me I shouldn't do things for him. Her thinking was since he wasn't here, there was no reason to do things "for him", I needed to do things for me. She compared the time she was without her husband to me. Difference was, he was in the service, and until she heard otherwise she had every reason to expect him to come home. I have no reason to expect my husband to return. I love your blog.

     

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