It's the Little Things

Just when you think you've made it another day, or another week, or another month without falling apart, you come upon some little thing that trips you up. Maybe it's a piece of jewelry your husband wore, or his favorite cologne, or a picture of the two of you from once upon a time.

That's when it hits you anew, all that you've lost. Your husband, lover, best friend, father of your children, grandfather to a new generation. You've lost all those dreams you had together, all those plans for your old age.

For me, it's a bottle of my husband's favorite cologne that he always wore when he dressed up. For some reason, I can't bear to part with it and it sits on my dressing table. Once in a while, I open it up and take a sniff, close my eyes and picture him smiling at me. He knew how much I loved that scent on him. But the silliest small thing I've hung onto is his pillow. For several weeks, it still smelled of him and I just couldn't get rid of it. For weeks, I held onto that pillow and cried. It's been over two years now, but I still can't get rid of it.

So we all must move forward or perish; for our own sakes, for our own peace of mind, we have to move on. I know it's very hard to let go some days. We have to keep in mind what we know they'd want us to do and I know they'd want for us to learn how to be happy again. Maybe someday we will, for now perhaps we should just settle for being content. Maybe one day, those little things won't hold such pain. Maybe one day, they will just be a reminder of happier times and we'll smile again.