Widowhood Is Not Funny

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

What If?

The thought keeps coming to me that the one I'd most like to share all my newfound opportunities with is my husband. Yet if he was here, I wouldn't have these same opportunities. Just before he died, I had all but given up on my own dreams, at least temporarily. I had dedicated all my time and energy to his dreams. In the back of my mind was the hope that he'd realize his goals and then I'd have the time and freedom from financial woes to pursue my own. Given my past experiences, I don't really believe that would ever have happened. My dear husband had trouble focusing on those goals and lost momentum very easily. Every couple of weeks, I'd do the pep talk again and bring him back to the plan. I sure got tired of it. I really didn't know what else I could do and had come to an acceptance of the situation.

For two years prior to that, I had been in a real depression, hating how my life was going, but feeling helpless to change anything and frustrated that my husband wouldn't make the effort to change things and make our lives better.

It's sad that in order to realize my own dreams, I had to completely lose my old life. But sometimes, we have to loosen our grip on the old life in order to grasp the new one. I'd still love to share my accomplishments with the one person who would be truly happy for me. He would have liked nothing better than to see me successful with my writing. However, it took losing him to drop kick me into my own career. I was angry for a long time that he hadn't made provision for me in the event of his death, but maybe the pressure to make a living actually forced me to step outside my comfort zone and make the change, so I'd have the future that didn't involve staying with my kids for the rest of my life.

Being on my own used to terrify me, it was my greatest fear, but I'm so ready now and I'm actually looking forward to it. There are those who still insist on treating me as if I'm an idiot, just because I won't do what they think I should. I've outgrown the box they've had me in for so long; I just don't fit anymore, and they don't like it one little bit. Too bad!

Don't let your situation or other people keep you from achieving what you're capable of achieving. More than ever it's important to be who you are supposed to be and do what you're supposed to do. Now is your time. Make the most of it. Then come back here and tell me how you're doing.