Widowhood Is Not Funny

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

So, Now What?

Everyone around you is settling back into their routine, their lives will go on much as it did before. For them, it was a minor road bump. For you, the world is upside down and backwards. And you have to figure things out and start all over; back to square one.

It's a whole new life to live. You didn't choose it, you're not even sure you like it at all, but it's not like you can return it. You're stuck with it. What your life becomes now is totally up to you and the decisions you make.

You have a choice. You can choose to stay in bed, refuse to see people, cry all the time, even refuse to eat. Or you can get up, spruce yourself up a bit, get out and visit with friends, go out to eat and learn to smile again. Believe me, it's not easy to do, but it's essential that you learn to live again.

Ask yourself these questions. What would my husband want for me? Can you honestly think that's the life he would want for you; to be miserably unhappy? Is staying in bed, crying, etc. going to bring him back? Of course it won't.

Going out and learning to live again does not mean you didn't love him with all your heart. On the contrary, it means your life with him was so rich and full, your love for each other so meaningful, that it survives, even now, when he's gone.

In this world of throw away marriages, and a high divorce rate, we were lucky. We had marriages that lasted "until death do us part."

So, what's next for you? What can you do to make your husband proud of you?

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

The Masks We Wear

After awhile, it becomes second nature. Someone says, "So, how are you doing?" And we look them right in the eye and say, "I'm okay. I'm fine."

And like they said in the movie, "The Italian Job," we all know what fine means. It stands for:

That's how we really feel.

So we say we're doing well, but it's a lie. They believe us because they want to; it's easier than having to deal with our pain all the time.

After a couple of years, no one really wants to hear that we're lonely, hurting and scared. This change in our life doesn't just hurt; sometimes, it's excruciating. So, we put our masks on again and say "we're fine."

If we're fortunate, our days are filled with work, and that's good. But we work like fiends during the day, in the hope that we'll be exhausted enough to sleep at night. The images drift in and out--unwanted and painful.

Time doesn't really heal; there's a gaping wound over our hearts, and everybody thinks they have the Band-Aid that will work.

We think constantly of our lost loves, wondering how our lives would be now if we hadn't lost our lifelines.

Of course, that does no good. Instead, we should learn to live again and make them proud of us. But we must begin to live for ourselves.

What do we do about the masks? Personally, I'm not sure. And I'm not sure if time will eventually help form a scab over the wound. Better stock up on Band-Aids, just in case.

So, how are you doing? And don't say you're fine!