I Miss "Us"

I notice other couples these days, older couples that have obviously been together for a long time. After decades together, a couples walks in sync, hold hands, laugh at the same jokes, and finish each other's sentences. They can practically read each other's minds. My husband and I were together for thirty-five years, and we experienced all that. Nowadays when I see those couples, I want to remind them to enjoy those moments, cherish them. It can be over in a heartbeat. I remember walking with my husband, holding hands, thinking how much I loved being anywhere with him. We didn't do anything special we just loved being together. I miss that. I miss "Us."

My husband had a side business, which I helped him with, and that was going to provide us the wherewithal to find our dreams, our hopes. There were places we wanted to go, things we wanted to see and activities we wanted to experience. When he passed away so suddenly, I lost it all...the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend, as well as all our hopes and dreams, all our places. Everything was just gone. I mourned it all and I still do.

Three months after his death, I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up. It provided me with the necessary distraction and busyness I so desperately needed. I spent months adding to my skills, reading, studying and preparing myself to start my own business, and make my own living. I was at least going to give meaning to my being alone. I wanted to make him proud of me.

Since all this happened, life seems surreal. I feel like I'm living someone else's life. Nothing feels familiar, or comforting, and definitely not satisfying yet. I'm moving forward, slowly, but the person I most want to share all this with is no longer here. I miss him. I miss "Us."

When things or people used to upset me, he's the one I went to for comfort. "Tell me it's going to be all right, reassure me." I'd say. I miss that reassurance, I miss the hugs and kisses, the love.

I miss "Us."