Friendship

February 23, 2016 marked twelve years without my wonderful husband, Mel. While the pain grows less sharp with each passing year, it does not go away entirely. There are still nights of tears & sadness.

What makes life easier & more bearable having to be without Mel are the many friends I’ve made in the last twelve years, close friends who have proven to be a safety net, a wonderful distraction, a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. They care about me & have been more help than they will ever know. They’re thoughtful, compassionate, generous people & I know I could not have made it this far without their sincere friendship.

These lovely people keep me focused on what’s important, help me along this new path with grace & generosity & encourage me when I’m down.

So, while I might be without my loving husband, I am most certainly not alone & I thank God for the wonderful people He has sent that I call friends. You know who you are!

Remind Me Who I Am

I noticed when I became a widow that I seemed to lose myself for a while. I honestly wasn’t sure who I was anymore. The word widow left a bad taste in my mouth. The whole situation didn’t even feel real; it was like sleepwalking through the world. I’d look at my reflection in the mirror and not even recognize the woman I saw there.

I’d been so sure of who and what I was before my husband died. I knew where I belonged and what I was here for. Suddenly, I didn’t know anything. Why was I still here? What was I supposed to do now? Where did I go from here? The future looked like a giant black hole.

Part of the confusion in a widow’s mind is simply part of going through the grief on this journey. But part of it is simply not being able to picture oneself without the beloved spouse. The world is upside down and totally backwards and nothing makes any sense.

For me, because it all happened so suddenly, there was no time to figure out what would come next; there was no time to plan my next move. Reality slammed me against the wall and it was weeks before I could think clearly

It was months before I had any kind of plan at all. And frankly, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s all a crap shoot at best. We have to just keep plugging along, finding our way, step by step.

So give yourself time, don’t despair of finding your true self again. It will happen, never fear. And for Heaven’s sake, give yourself permission to be happy again.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to get out and help someone else. Then you’ll remember who you are.

As always, I’m here and I’m listening. I’d love to know how you’re doing. Please post and let me know.

It's Time to Re-invent Yourself!

For months after losing your husband, you feel unfocused & flaky; you just seem to drift from one day to the next, from one obligation to the next. You feel as if you are floating through life with no real purpose. Your friends hover on the edge of your grief. Many don’t know what to offer you other than their friendship; they don’t know what you want or need & neither do you for the most part. You just know it hurts.

In the beginning, all you are is “The Widow.” That’s your whole existence. You’re wrapped up in your grief & sadness, you are sadness, it seems. As time passes, you’ll begin to see yourself as something other than the victim, the poor widow. As soon as you begin to see yourself as something more than that, other facets of your personality will start to emerge.

In my case, I was able to see myself again as Mother, Grandmother, Sister, Aunt, & Friend. I began asking myself what I wanted to be in this new incarnation, what I wanted to do with my life. At that point, my world opened up & my horizons expanded. I studied, worked, honed my existing skills & added new ones. Soon, I was also Business Woman, Copywriter, Editor, Marketer, & Consultant.

Each woman must find herself, determine what she wants out of life, what she wants to be when she grows up. The important part is how you view yourself, how you think of yourself. You can’t remain forever as the “Poor Widow.”

So, get out there & re-invent yourself. You can be whatever you want to be. Emulate the Olympians & go for the Gold!

The Great Balancing Act

One of the secrets to getting through this journey of grief is to find balance in your life. Hiding in your home, staying in bed, and refusing to see friends and family is not good for your health, physical, mental or emotional. Wallowing in the grief and allowing yourself constant "pity parties" is not good for you. But going to extremes in the opposite direction is no good either. Many women try to lose themselves in outside activities, such as volunteering, shopping or working nonstop, thinking it will be just the distraction they need. This is avoidance and that's not good either. You can't avoid the grief or distract yourself forever. Dealing with the pain is important, and will actually get you through this journey faster.

This is where the balance comes in. Getting out of your house on a regular basis is a good idea. You need to socialize now and then. Being out of your rut and with other people is good for you. It will help you get through this painful journey, and get on with your life. Getting out will help you avoid so much of the depression that comes with this kind of loss. But know when to say enough, and come home, where you can rest and recharge. Trying to do too much could result in you getting sick, something that's all too easy for the new widow.

Getting out a couple of times a week, to be with people who make you smile, will help immensely. Don't overdo, remember, moderation in all things. Find that balance in your life and you'll discover that you're enjoying life again, looking forward to being with others, and then, let yourself smile.