Happy Anniversary to Me

Today would have been our 47^th wedding anniversary. Twelve years I’ve been marking this day alone, remembering how young we were, how much in love we were. It was a lovely day with friends and family and a beautiful wedding celebration. We were so happy! I love looking at our wedding album each year at this time.

Mel and I were very fortunate to have a happy marriage, to have found such love and respect and friendship. It’s not easy to find or keep, but we did it. And we had it for thirty-five years.

I find I miss the little things we had, day to day things. I miss the sound of his voice when he laughed and the way his eyes crinkled up. I miss holding hands with him. I miss his hugs and the soft kisses we shared. I miss hearing “I love you” every day.

And now, I’ve moved on and found a new life with a new purpose. Life is good, if sometimes a bit lonely.

Someday, I’ll hear him laugh again, hold hands and share kisses with him again and hear “I love you” again. Until then, I’ll remember fondly all the good times, the love and respect, and I'll count my blessings.

And for the other widows out there---

As always, I’m here if you need to talk, I understand what you’re going through.

My book “Widowhood Is Not Funny” is available everywhere you buy ebooks and the paperback version is only available on my website---

http://alannaparkekvale.weebly.com/widowhood-is-not-funny.html

You can email me at---

widow_to_widow@yahoo.com

Look for my book page on Facebook---

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Widowhood-Is-Not-Funny-by-Alanna-Parke-Kvale/114289998595598?ref=bookmarks

What a Difference a Decade Makes!

It’s been ten years since I lost my husband, Mel, to a sudden heart attack. Sometimes, it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes, it seems it just happened yesterday. I still love and miss him as much as ever.

For those of you who are on this same journey, I can assure you that while you will continue to miss your loved one, the pain is less sharp. You’ll cry a little less and smile a little more when you think of them. There will still be those moments of sadness, those reminders of what you’ve lost and the realization that you must face things alone.

When those moments do come around, try and remember what you’ve accomplished so far; take stock of your life, see how far you’ve come on this journey, see how you’ve grown as an individual.

For myself, I’ve come to actually appreciate the single life; it works for me. I’ve gone from total dependence on another person to self-reliance. I’ve learned that you don’t realize how strong you are until you have no choice. I’ve learned to make decisions without consulting another person.

My aim in the last ten years was to make Mel proud of me, of what I’ve accomplished and at the risk of sounding immodest, I think I’ve done it. I’ve taken my pain and put it in a book, in the hope of helping others on this journey. You can find Widowhood Is Not Funny everywhere you buy ebooks.

I’ve also used my writing skills in many different places, such as articles, blog posts and business writing. And I have another couple of books almost ready for publication, which I’m very excited about.

As much as we might miss our lost loved ones, it’s important to create a purpose-driven life we can be proud of and which do them proud as well.

 Remember—It’s not the end, it’s a new beginning!

As always, I invite you to post here on my blog and let me know how you’re doing and where your new life has taken you.

A Tender Sadness

Vemod-(n) a tender sadness or pensive melancholy; the calm feeling that something emotionally significant is over and never will be back.

I think this is what comes after acceptance. You still think about your husband, but instead of the sharp pain that used to accompany thoughts of your loss, now it’s the tender sadness. You understand now that things will never be the same as they once were and you’ve ceased to rail against that knowledge. You’ve stopped beating your head against that particular brick wall and accepted that things are what they are. Your life is different.

I’ve discovered the trick to acceptance is not to simply give up, but to embrace the difference. Once you stop fighting the inevitable and embrace your new life, you not only reach acceptance, but you find that calm feeling. You look back and find the tender memories, the happy times and you will smile again. I’m not telling you you’ll never cry, believe me you will cry—a lot. But then, you’ll dry your eyes and realize that emotionally significant moment is indeed over and never will be back and you’ll be able to move forward.

I think about Mel every day and I know one day I’ll see him again. I want him to hug me and tell me I did good on my own.

Lucky

Lucky-not a word we widows usually use to describe ourselves. Losing your husband makes you feel like a loser, a victim, definitely not lucky.

But how about looking at it this way—We were very lucky to have had the years we had with our husbands. We were so lucky to have their love & their devotion. We were lucky to have families with them. We were lucky to have happy, loving relationships with such good men. We were lucky to wake up each day knowing we were loved & cherished. There are a lot of women who are not so lucky.

Let’s remember what we had instead of what we lost. Let’s remember just how amazingly lucky we were.

Who says there is no such thing as being lucky in love?

 
Leave me a post & tell me how lucky you were, how lucky you are to have such wonderful memories

Another Year-A Few More Tears

As of today-February 23^rd, it’s been nine years since my husband, Mel, died suddenly of a heart attack. A lot has happened & I’ve learned some very valuable lessons along the way.

I’ve learned how creative I am & I think always was, I just didn’t have the right outlet. I’ve learned how strong I am to do what I’ve had to do. I’ve learned how independent I am & I’m liking that part more & more each day. And I’ve learned much more about myself as a person, as a woman & as a creative soul.

I’ve grown to understand myself & my needs & that I am sufficient unto myself. I don’t need anyone else to complete me. This has been a revelation since I married young, was married a long time & I was never on my own until now.

During this nine years alone, I’ve written a book, moved into my own place, found writing work online on my own, found a way to give back in my community & made lots of wonderful new friends, both online & off. Most importantly, I’ve learned that being alone does not mean being lonely.

So, my advice to other widows out there is to not think of these years since our spouse’s passing as just long, lonely or sad. Think of them as opportunities to increase our knowledge, to make a difference in our world & learn to be our own best friends.

As always, I’m here if you want to talk. Leave me a post or email me at:

widow_to_widow@yahoo.com and let me know how you’re doing.

I hope you'll take a look at my book- Widowhood Is Not Funny.

http://www.amazon.com/author/alannaparkekvale

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/widowhood-is-not-funny-alanna-kvale/1113675235?ean=9781617922732

Don't forget to request my new book- A Widow's Walk -free when you purchase a copy of Widowhood Is Not Funny.

 

Merry Christmas!

I’m sitting here on my birthday, with Christmas just a few days away & thinking how different my life is now, without Mel.

I still enjoy the holidays & count myself lucky to be having birthdays, but I can’t help remembering previous, happy times. Mel & I enjoyed celebrating with family. I used to bake until the cookies & cakes were piled high & I crocheted gifts until my hands ached. For me, that was Christmas; that was how I celebrated.

Being on my own means not so many to bake for, which is probably for the best, as I was eating those cookies & cakes too & I can do without that. Everyone I know has as many crocheted items as they can deal with, so I’ve spent this past year crocheting blankets for kids, through Project Linus. I think Mel would approve of my efforts this past year.

While I still miss Mel, as I probably always will, I’m happy with my life, despite the changes. So, I guess I’ve finally reached acceptance. I sincerely hope you all find the joy in the season, despite the changes in your lives.

Have a Merry Christmas everybody!!

http://www.amazon.com/author/alannaparkekvale

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/widowhood-is-not-funny-alanna-kvale/1113675235?ean=9781617922732

 

Time On Your Hands & Memories On Your Mind

Even after you’ve reached acceptance in this journey of grief, there are still some roadblocks to recovery.

No matter your age, your career, your family life or your financial status, you could find yourself asking the same question all widows ask—What do I do now?

Without a husband to care for on a day-to-day basis, you may find you have an awful lot of time on your hands. And you know that sitting alone day after day is certainly not good for you. The best way to keep from sliding back into depression is to get busy & that busyness varies with each widow.

Even if you have a day job, there are still the nights to deal with, as every widow is painfully aware of. For those who are retired, there’s even more time on one’s hands. And the memories are always there reminding us of what we’ve lost. The love is still in your heart, waiting, but waiting for what?

It’s been said that the best way to feel better is to help others & that’s so right. If you’re thinking of others & their needs, you’re not thinking of yourself & your own problems.

The world is full of those in need & it’s not always necessarily about financial need. There are people who are in desperate need of emotional support. Some just need someone to listen to them, hold their hand or cry with them.

There are children who need guidance, babies who need to be held & rocked, or other widows who just want to be reassured that there is a point to their lives & they’re not all alone on this journey.

Since I lost my husband, I’ve met many other widows & widowers who ask the same questions—What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What will I do with my life?

So put all that Time on your hands to good use. Let those Memories on your mind warm you, & let that Love in your heart expand to others in need.

I hope you’ll post here on my blog & let me know how you’re feeling, tell me what you’re doing to fill that time on your hands.

You can also email me privately at:

widow_to_widow@yahoo.com

Just Remember I Love You!

Dreamed about Mel last night. I don’t know if dreams really mean anything or if our subconscious simply spits out what’s on our minds. There doesn’t seem to be anything of significance about the dream, though I do remember being somewhat confused about seeing him: even in the dream, I knew it wasn’t possible that he was really there. But for that brief span of time, I was happy.

I don’t dream of him often, but each time I do, it stays with me for days. I’m happy to see him, but sad that I can’t see him for real. Guess it’s a good thing I can’t just call up these dreams whenever I wish. I might be tempted to do it often and just stay there.

So, I’ll go on with my life, stay busy with work and my goals. But Mel, if you’re listening—Just Remember I Love You!

It's Time to Re-invent Yourself!

For months after losing your husband, you feel unfocused & flaky; you just seem to drift from one day to the next, from one obligation to the next. You feel as if you are floating through life with no real purpose. Your friends hover on the edge of your grief. Many don’t know what to offer you other than their friendship; they don’t know what you want or need & neither do you for the most part. You just know it hurts.

In the beginning, all you are is “The Widow.” That’s your whole existence. You’re wrapped up in your grief & sadness, you are sadness, it seems. As time passes, you’ll begin to see yourself as something other than the victim, the poor widow. As soon as you begin to see yourself as something more than that, other facets of your personality will start to emerge.

In my case, I was able to see myself again as Mother, Grandmother, Sister, Aunt, & Friend. I began asking myself what I wanted to be in this new incarnation, what I wanted to do with my life. At that point, my world opened up & my horizons expanded. I studied, worked, honed my existing skills & added new ones. Soon, I was also Business Woman, Copywriter, Editor, Marketer, & Consultant.

Each woman must find herself, determine what she wants out of life, what she wants to be when she grows up. The important part is how you view yourself, how you think of yourself. You can’t remain forever as the “Poor Widow.”

So, get out there & re-invent yourself. You can be whatever you want to be. Emulate the Olympians & go for the Gold!