Friendship

February 23, 2016 marked twelve years without my wonderful husband, Mel. While the pain grows less sharp with each passing year, it does not go away entirely. There are still nights of tears & sadness.

What makes life easier & more bearable having to be without Mel are the many friends I’ve made in the last twelve years, close friends who have proven to be a safety net, a wonderful distraction, a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. They care about me & have been more help than they will ever know. They’re thoughtful, compassionate, generous people & I know I could not have made it this far without their sincere friendship.

These lovely people keep me focused on what’s important, help me along this new path with grace & generosity & encourage me when I’m down.

So, while I might be without my loving husband, I am most certainly not alone & I thank God for the wonderful people He has sent that I call friends. You know who you are!

Happy Anniversary to Me

Today would have been our 47^th wedding anniversary. Twelve years I’ve been marking this day alone, remembering how young we were, how much in love we were. It was a lovely day with friends and family and a beautiful wedding celebration. We were so happy! I love looking at our wedding album each year at this time.

Mel and I were very fortunate to have a happy marriage, to have found such love and respect and friendship. It’s not easy to find or keep, but we did it. And we had it for thirty-five years.

I find I miss the little things we had, day to day things. I miss the sound of his voice when he laughed and the way his eyes crinkled up. I miss holding hands with him. I miss his hugs and the soft kisses we shared. I miss hearing “I love you” every day.

And now, I’ve moved on and found a new life with a new purpose. Life is good, if sometimes a bit lonely.

Someday, I’ll hear him laugh again, hold hands and share kisses with him again and hear “I love you” again. Until then, I’ll remember fondly all the good times, the love and respect, and I'll count my blessings.

And for the other widows out there---

As always, I’m here if you need to talk, I understand what you’re going through.

My book “Widowhood Is Not Funny” is available everywhere you buy ebooks and the paperback version is only available on my website---

http://alannaparkekvale.weebly.com/widowhood-is-not-funny.html

You can email me at---

widow_to_widow@yahoo.com

Look for my book page on Facebook---

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Widowhood-Is-Not-Funny-by-Alanna-Parke-Kvale/114289998595598?ref=bookmarks

Goodreads Giveaway!

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Pleased & Proud to Announce!

I'm pleased & proud to announce that my book, Widowhood Is Not Funny is now available in paperback!

Follow this link to get your copy today!
http://alannaparkekvale.weebly.com/widowhood-is-not-funny.html

What a Difference a Decade Makes!

It’s been ten years since I lost my husband, Mel, to a sudden heart attack. Sometimes, it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes, it seems it just happened yesterday. I still love and miss him as much as ever.

For those of you who are on this same journey, I can assure you that while you will continue to miss your loved one, the pain is less sharp. You’ll cry a little less and smile a little more when you think of them. There will still be those moments of sadness, those reminders of what you’ve lost and the realization that you must face things alone.

When those moments do come around, try and remember what you’ve accomplished so far; take stock of your life, see how far you’ve come on this journey, see how you’ve grown as an individual.

For myself, I’ve come to actually appreciate the single life; it works for me. I’ve gone from total dependence on another person to self-reliance. I’ve learned that you don’t realize how strong you are until you have no choice. I’ve learned to make decisions without consulting another person.

My aim in the last ten years was to make Mel proud of me, of what I’ve accomplished and at the risk of sounding immodest, I think I’ve done it. I’ve taken my pain and put it in a book, in the hope of helping others on this journey. You can find Widowhood Is Not Funny everywhere you buy ebooks.

I’ve also used my writing skills in many different places, such as articles, blog posts and business writing. And I have another couple of books almost ready for publication, which I’m very excited about.

As much as we might miss our lost loved ones, it’s important to create a purpose-driven life we can be proud of and which do them proud as well.

 Remember—It’s not the end, it’s a new beginning!

As always, I invite you to post here on my blog and let me know how you’re doing and where your new life has taken you.

A Tender Sadness

Vemod-(n) a tender sadness or pensive melancholy; the calm feeling that something emotionally significant is over and never will be back.

I think this is what comes after acceptance. You still think about your husband, but instead of the sharp pain that used to accompany thoughts of your loss, now it’s the tender sadness. You understand now that things will never be the same as they once were and you’ve ceased to rail against that knowledge. You’ve stopped beating your head against that particular brick wall and accepted that things are what they are. Your life is different.

I’ve discovered the trick to acceptance is not to simply give up, but to embrace the difference. Once you stop fighting the inevitable and embrace your new life, you not only reach acceptance, but you find that calm feeling. You look back and find the tender memories, the happy times and you will smile again. I’m not telling you you’ll never cry, believe me you will cry—a lot. But then, you’ll dry your eyes and realize that emotionally significant moment is indeed over and never will be back and you’ll be able to move forward.

I think about Mel every day and I know one day I’ll see him again. I want him to hug me and tell me I did good on my own.

I"m Thankful for the Tears

If there’s one thing I know about, it’s tears. A widow has an intimate knowledge of tears; we’ve wept copious amounts of tears. We cry a lot in the beginning, so much it’s a wonder we’re not in a constant state of dehydration.

We cry at the drop of a hat, in fact, anything can set us off and have us weeping. A song we enjoyed with our husbands, the scent of his cologne, a piece of jewelry he wore that we kept. It doesn’t take much and we’re off and running again. A love story can have us in a complete meltdown in seconds.

Years later, I still cry sometimes, but what I’ve learned is the therapeutic effect of those tears. They help the spirit to heal. When the pain grows too great, tears help reduce the tension and lessen that pain.

But, I am thankful for the tears, because it means I’ve lived and loved and yes, unfortunately, I’ve lost people dear to me, especially my husband. I thought we’d have longer with each other. Still, I’m grateful for the time we had and I wouldn’t change that. We were happy together and that’s more than some people have.

Be thankful for your tears and smile at your memories. Don’t cry because he’s gone, smile because he was in your life even for just awhile.

Dry your eyes and grab a copy of my book, Widowhood Is Not Funny, available online everywhere, as an e-book.

And as always, I'm here, I'm listening & I'd love to hear from you!

Just Remember I Love You!

Dreamed about Mel last night. I don’t know if dreams really mean anything or if our subconscious simply spits out what’s on our minds. There doesn’t seem to be anything of significance about the dream, though I do remember being somewhat confused about seeing him: even in the dream, I knew it wasn’t possible that he was really there. But for that brief span of time, I was happy.

I don’t dream of him often, but each time I do, it stays with me for days. I’m happy to see him, but sad that I can’t see him for real. Guess it’s a good thing I can’t just call up these dreams whenever I wish. I might be tempted to do it often and just stay there.

So, I’ll go on with my life, stay busy with work and my goals. But Mel, if you’re listening—Just Remember I Love You!

I'll Be Happy When...

We all do it, we put off being happy, thinking that certain criteria must be in place to allow that happiness. I’ll be happy when I have the right job. I’ll be happy when I’m not alone anymore. I’ll be happy when I get the dream house I’ve always wanted. Why can’t we just be happy right now, right here wherever we are? Why must we postpone our happiness?

Are we afraid to allow ourselves to be happy for fear it might disappear? Do we feel we don’t deserve happiness? Some folks don’t know how to be happy or feel it must be a big reason to be happy, not recognizing that one can be happy for small reasons too. How about being happy that you have a roof over your head, even if it isn’t your dream home? How about being happy that you have food on your table, even if it’s not gourmet meals? How about being happy that you have transportation, even if it’s not a Lexus?

As a widow, you might think you have absolutely no reason to be happy, after all, you’re alone, without your husband, how can you ever be happy again? I’m here to tell you that you can be happy, it is possible and you deserve to be happy again. Your husband would want you to be happy again.

How do you do that? Start by being kind to yourself; tell yourself it is okay to be happy, to start enjoying life again. Your husband died, you didn’t, which means you still have things to do, things to accomplish, someone to help, etc. Put aside your sadness and find a new purpose in life, your raison d’ȇtre, your reason for existence. It may not be clear right away exactly what that reason is, but allow yourself to explore the possibilities and find yours. It’s been said that to feel better about yourself, you should help someone else. You could teach others what you know or mentor a young person. It might be a new career that helps you find your purpose in life. When in doubt, follow your passions.

Most importantly, know that being happy is okay, in fact it’s necessary to every human being, so don’t postpone your happiness. Be happy now, don’t wait!

Resignation or Acceptance?

In the beginning, as a widow, all you can manage is a form of resignation. You understand nothing will be the same in your life ever again. You've lost everything and you can do nothing about it, except survive and try to start over. You feel hopeless and helpless to change anything in your life at this moment in time. One breath at a time and one foot in front of the other is the best you can manage right now.

Resignation makes you feel that it's all over and there's nothing to be done. Resignation brings with it depression, since you know in your heart that you'll never get your old life back. At this point, all you can focus on is the loss you've experienced. You didn't just lose your husband, you lost your hopes, dreams, goals and your future. Resignation feels like the end of the line. Depression causes you to stay in bed, sleeping too much, because it requires too much energy to get up and face life and people again. You can't find a good reason to get out of bed. You've lost your purpose in life, along with your husband and you can't even begin to see a new future for yourself.

Acceptance however, makes you feel that it's only the end of things as they once were, not the end of things that can be. When you come to acceptance of what's happened to you, you can then allow yourself to actually feel hopeful about your future. You can find peace and some measure of comfort. You've made it through this agony and survived, and you're actually considering what you want to do now, how you want to start over. The depression has lifted and you've begun to think about what you want to do with your life. The fear recedes and you realize you can do things to change your life for the better; you find your purpose, your reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

You'll know when ou've reached true acceptance and that's when your new life really begins.