Friendship

February 23, 2016 marked twelve years without my wonderful husband, Mel. While the pain grows less sharp with each passing year, it does not go away entirely. There are still nights of tears & sadness.

What makes life easier & more bearable having to be without Mel are the many friends I’ve made in the last twelve years, close friends who have proven to be a safety net, a wonderful distraction, a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. They care about me & have been more help than they will ever know. They’re thoughtful, compassionate, generous people & I know I could not have made it this far without their sincere friendship.

These lovely people keep me focused on what’s important, help me along this new path with grace & generosity & encourage me when I’m down.

So, while I might be without my loving husband, I am most certainly not alone & I thank God for the wonderful people He has sent that I call friends. You know who you are!

Happy Anniversary to Me

Today would have been our 47^th wedding anniversary. Twelve years I’ve been marking this day alone, remembering how young we were, how much in love we were. It was a lovely day with friends and family and a beautiful wedding celebration. We were so happy! I love looking at our wedding album each year at this time.

Mel and I were very fortunate to have a happy marriage, to have found such love and respect and friendship. It’s not easy to find or keep, but we did it. And we had it for thirty-five years.

I find I miss the little things we had, day to day things. I miss the sound of his voice when he laughed and the way his eyes crinkled up. I miss holding hands with him. I miss his hugs and the soft kisses we shared. I miss hearing “I love you” every day.

And now, I’ve moved on and found a new life with a new purpose. Life is good, if sometimes a bit lonely.

Someday, I’ll hear him laugh again, hold hands and share kisses with him again and hear “I love you” again. Until then, I’ll remember fondly all the good times, the love and respect, and I'll count my blessings.

And for the other widows out there---

As always, I’m here if you need to talk, I understand what you’re going through.

My book “Widowhood Is Not Funny” is available everywhere you buy ebooks and the paperback version is only available on my website---

http://alannaparkekvale.weebly.com/widowhood-is-not-funny.html

You can email me at---

widow_to_widow@yahoo.com

Look for my book page on Facebook---

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Widowhood-Is-Not-Funny-by-Alanna-Parke-Kvale/114289998595598?ref=bookmarks

What a Difference a Decade Makes!

It’s been ten years since I lost my husband, Mel, to a sudden heart attack. Sometimes, it feels like a lifetime ago and sometimes, it seems it just happened yesterday. I still love and miss him as much as ever.

For those of you who are on this same journey, I can assure you that while you will continue to miss your loved one, the pain is less sharp. You’ll cry a little less and smile a little more when you think of them. There will still be those moments of sadness, those reminders of what you’ve lost and the realization that you must face things alone.

When those moments do come around, try and remember what you’ve accomplished so far; take stock of your life, see how far you’ve come on this journey, see how you’ve grown as an individual.

For myself, I’ve come to actually appreciate the single life; it works for me. I’ve gone from total dependence on another person to self-reliance. I’ve learned that you don’t realize how strong you are until you have no choice. I’ve learned to make decisions without consulting another person.

My aim in the last ten years was to make Mel proud of me, of what I’ve accomplished and at the risk of sounding immodest, I think I’ve done it. I’ve taken my pain and put it in a book, in the hope of helping others on this journey. You can find Widowhood Is Not Funny everywhere you buy ebooks.

I’ve also used my writing skills in many different places, such as articles, blog posts and business writing. And I have another couple of books almost ready for publication, which I’m very excited about.

As much as we might miss our lost loved ones, it’s important to create a purpose-driven life we can be proud of and which do them proud as well.

 Remember—It’s not the end, it’s a new beginning!

As always, I invite you to post here on my blog and let me know how you’re doing and where your new life has taken you.

Lucky

Lucky-not a word we widows usually use to describe ourselves. Losing your husband makes you feel like a loser, a victim, definitely not lucky.

But how about looking at it this way—We were very lucky to have had the years we had with our husbands. We were so lucky to have their love & their devotion. We were lucky to have families with them. We were lucky to have happy, loving relationships with such good men. We were lucky to wake up each day knowing we were loved & cherished. There are a lot of women who are not so lucky.

Let’s remember what we had instead of what we lost. Let’s remember just how amazingly lucky we were.

Who says there is no such thing as being lucky in love?

 
Leave me a post & tell me how lucky you were, how lucky you are to have such wonderful memories

Time On Your Hands & Memories On Your Mind

Even after you’ve reached acceptance in this journey of grief, there are still some roadblocks to recovery.

No matter your age, your career, your family life or your financial status, you could find yourself asking the same question all widows ask—What do I do now?

Without a husband to care for on a day-to-day basis, you may find you have an awful lot of time on your hands. And you know that sitting alone day after day is certainly not good for you. The best way to keep from sliding back into depression is to get busy & that busyness varies with each widow.

Even if you have a day job, there are still the nights to deal with, as every widow is painfully aware of. For those who are retired, there’s even more time on one’s hands. And the memories are always there reminding us of what we’ve lost. The love is still in your heart, waiting, but waiting for what?

It’s been said that the best way to feel better is to help others & that’s so right. If you’re thinking of others & their needs, you’re not thinking of yourself & your own problems.

The world is full of those in need & it’s not always necessarily about financial need. There are people who are in desperate need of emotional support. Some just need someone to listen to them, hold their hand or cry with them.

There are children who need guidance, babies who need to be held & rocked, or other widows who just want to be reassured that there is a point to their lives & they’re not all alone on this journey.

Since I lost my husband, I’ve met many other widows & widowers who ask the same questions—What do I do now? Where do I go from here? What will I do with my life?

So put all that Time on your hands to good use. Let those Memories on your mind warm you, & let that Love in your heart expand to others in need.

I hope you’ll post here on my blog & let me know how you’re feeling, tell me what you’re doing to fill that time on your hands.

You can also email me privately at:

widow_to_widow@yahoo.com

February 23, 2012

February 23, 2004-it’s been eight years since Mel passed away & I still miss him so much. Friends have tried to talk me into dating again, pointing out how nice it would be to have someone escort me places.

I don’t need to be escorted anywhere. If I want to go out, I go out, by myself, I don’t need a man to take me places.

I’ve become more independent & self-sufficient over the last eight years & I like it—a lot! I have noticed that the aforementioned friends are all happily married. My widowed friends understand completely why I’m not interested in dating or developing another romantic relationship. I didn’t choose to be single again, but as long as I have to be, I intend to enjoy the freedom to be my own person, independent & happy to remain so.

Each widow must make up her own mind about this situation—to date or not to date. Some want to be married again, others do not. Personally, I’m still in love with my husband & it would be unfair to begin dating with that attitude.

It wouldn’t be fair to always compare a new man with my husband. That new guy would always come up short, I’m afraid. I can’t have Mel back & I don’t want anyone else, so I guess that’s that.

I do intend, however, to get on with my life, doing things I love to do, doing work I enjoy & spending time with friends & family.

I’ll always love Mel & I know he loves me. We just have to be apart for awhile, but we’ll be together again one day.

Holiday Heartaches

Being a widow is difficult, especially in the beginning. It’s a 24/7 painful reality. Then you add the holidays. Everything you do, everywhere you go, the memories are there, of better times, familiar times, & happy times. And it hurts, a lot.

For me, Christmas was always my favorite holiday. I spent weeks baking, decorating, crocheting gifts & wrapping. It was a very happy time of the year for me. Until Christmas of 2004, that is. That was the first Christmas holiday without Mel & I was devastated. There was a giant hole in my heart & even Christmas couldn’t fill it.

My daughter, bless her heart, tried to keep up some of the traditions, in an attempt to cheer me up, but it was too soon & I just didn’t have the energy or the heart for it.

It’s been almost eight years since I lost Mel & it’s better now, the pain is less intense, but Christmas is still very difficult. I miss him so much, especially at this time of year.

In Chapter 5 of my book, Widowhood Is Not Funny, I share just how hard my first year of holidays was without my husband. While you never forget past holidays & why would you want to, they do become a bit easier as the years go by. You still miss your husband, but you learn year by year how to deal with the holidays on your own. You’ll make new memories & smile as remember your husband with love.

Widowhood Is Not Funny is now available for all e-readers. Give yourself a gift this holiday season-pick up a copy of my book, then leave me a post & let me know how you’re doing, or contact me at: widow_to_widow@yahoo.com

How Long Will This Last?

This is a question that is constantly on your mind, during any stage of grieving you might be going through. The grieving remains, it's the intensity that changes. In the beginning, the grief is so intense, you're sure you won't make it, they'll be burying you next. The sadness is so overwhelming, it's difficult to breathe some days. Focusing on each moment, each minute task is the only way to get through each day. You look forward to sleep, just so you'll be unconscious and can stop thinking for a few hours. You don't want to think about the next day and the next, or the next week, month or, Heaven help you, next year, without your life partner. You know eventually you'll have to face it all, but please God, just not now! It's tempting to want to stay in that numbness forever, but your logical mind reminds you it's just not possible, or even desirable. The only way to get through the grief is to face it head-on and work past the pain and anguish,

I cannot tell you exactly how long it will last. Each woman is different, her grief is different, and the way she has to work through it is different. It's similar to being in a swimming pool for the first time. You're afraid of the deep end and hesitant to get in it, so you edge your way around the pool, stepping carefully, testing the depth, gathering your courage, making sure you can breathe, until you're brave enough to let go of the side and swim out by yourself.

But fear not! As in a swimming pool, you're not alone. Just as there are lifeguards to keep you safe at the pool, so here in the world of widows, there are also friends you can depend on to help you through the deep end of your grief and out the other side safely.

If you feel you're in over your head when it comes to your grief, remember, you're not alone. There are a great many of us widows and we have to help and support one another. Talk to us here and we'll get your through.